It can be fun to write topical songs, sing them a few times, and then let them fade as the news they refer to gets to be stale. Speaking for myself, they tend not to be tightly-crafted songs, will probably borrow an existing tune, and I try not to get too attached to them.

Sometimes, though, they do get another chance to be sung, when they become topical again.

This news item was brought to my attention:

“A vicar claims a potato got stuck up his bottom after he fell on to the vegetable while hanging curtains in the nude.”

And I remembered that I might have a song on a similar topic lurking about. I know what you’re thinking :”Why would anyone write a song about that?”. To which I reply: “Have we met?” Though you might be thinking that if anyone had a song about inappropriate things in inappropriate places, I’d be the guy…

Anyway, without further ado, here it is – based on an allegedly true story.

Out of the night he waddled on in
Sweat on his forehead , a fixed deathly grin
Can you help, oh please help? He groaned and he sighed
It won’t come back out and it’s stuck there inside…

He’d been feeling so fruity and and frisky all through
His eye fell upon a firm juicy Anjou
And before he could stop himself being so dumb…
He’d inserted that pear all the way up his bum

They tried all sort of forceps, and were losing all hope
Sureveyed the terrain with an old endoscope
The discomfort meant they could not delay more
So they went straight to work and they scraped out the core

They took out the core, then the flesh and the seeds
Because a pear up the arse is what nobody needs
Then out came the skin, and they all heaved a sigh
Pearitonitis, is no way to die…

Now it’s clear that a moral’s required for this song
I don’t say it’s immoral, illegal or wrong
It’s wasteful of food, of that there’s no doubt
Just don’t stick stuff up there, that won’t come back out.


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